People lie all the time. And for some, this habit starts from an early age, perhaps even from infancy. Studies done by Dr Vasudevi Reddy, head of the Psychology Department at the University of Portsmouth, United Kingdom, have found that babies learn to deceive even before they can talk! Many babies actually fake crying just to get Mum’s attention.
But toddlers and preschoolers sometimes cannot distinguish between fantasy and reality. Some “lies” may just be an extension of their wild imaginations. It is when older children aged six and above deliberately lie, that is when parents should start worrying.
Reasons for Lying
There are many situations that may prompt a child to lie. These include:
- Covering up for a misdemeanor. (A child who has accidentally spilt milk on the carpet may say it’s the baby brother who did it.)
- Attempting to fit in among peers. (A child claims he has visited a place he’s never been to before just because all his friends have been there.)
- Attention-seeking behavior. (A child invents a fantastic imaginary family to make him feel a little special and get attention from others.)
Signs of a Child Lying
Most young children can’t hide their emotions and lie very well. Look for facial expressions and eye contact. When a child lies, he often seems unsure and is reluctant to look straight into your eyes. Ask him to re-tell his story and see if there are any inconsistencies. If there are, there is a big chance he is bluffing. Another thing to look out for is spontaneity in the child. If whatever he says sounds rehearsed, he is probably lying.
Making Sure the Child has Lied
Before jumping into any conclusion, parents must find out whether the child has actually lied. Nothing is worse than accusing an innocent child of lying. Gather as much information and evidence as possible before confronting the child, advises Dr. Brent Waters and Liz Kennedy, authors of Every Kid – Parenting your Five to Twelve Year Old (Australia: Doubleday, 2001). “If you are unsure, it’s better to wait and see, or if two children were involved and you can’t identify the culprit, deal with both equally,” they write.
Avoid Over-Reacting to Lies
Parents who are certain their child has lied should stay calm and not dish out punishment immediately. Waters and Kennedy believe that parents should always give the child the chance to be truthful. Sit the child down and gently but firmly say you want the truth out. If the child owns up, praise her honesty but let her know she will face a consequence that suits her misdemeanor. It’s always better to give out punishment that fits the crime while the parents are in control of their temper and emotion.
Explain the Importance of Truth and Honesty
Parents should explain to the child that being truthful and honest is important because it lets other people know they can be trusted. Once the trust is broken, the child may find it hard to make friends or restore relationship with others. The story about the boy who cried wolf is something young children can understand and relate to if they have told a lie.
Find Out Why Children Lie
If parents can figure out why their child lies, they will be able to look for solutions for the problem. For instance, if parents discover that the child has lied to cover up for a theft, the parents should explain why stealing is wrong and how it can hurt others when their belongings are stolen from them. If the child lies to boost his self-confidence, his parents can develop strategies to increase his self-esteem so that he no longer has to create stories to feel good among his friends.
Be a Good Role Model
Parents sometimes tell white lies to get things done. White lies are still lies and many young children will not be able to tell the difference between black and white lies. So avoid telling any form of lies in their presence. Parents who admit their mistakes and take responsibilities for accidents or spills they cause are more likely to have honest children than parents who lie themselves.
While lying is perfectly common in children, it must be curbed, especially when the child is old enough to know what is right and what is wrong. Parents can manage lying by looking for tell-tale signs of children lying, reacting calmly to lying, explaining why lying is wrong, discovering why the child lie to find the right solution as well as setting a good example for kids.
For more child behavior management tips, read also When a Child Steals, When a Child Swears and When a Child Answers Back.
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