When a Child Steals

Parenting Tips to Manage Children who Steal

Nov 29, 2008 Wei Yin Wong

Young children should be taught about property ownership and borrowing with permission to discourage the act of stealing.

Children often long for something they can’t have. The easiest way to get it is to just take it when no one is watching. Children under six may not quite understand what’s theirs and what’s not.

However, by the time they start school, they should have a well-developed sense of property ownership. And parents will need to know what to do if their child has stolen something.

Reasons for Stealing

Children steal for a number of reasons. These include:

  • The desire to have something to make them feel good.
  • Peer pressure or accepting challenges from friends.
  • Way of hiding the feeling of being neglected.
  • Way of getting attention.
  • Experiment to see how far they can get away with stealing.

Reacting to a Child’s Stealing

Parents are not always the first to discover about their child’s stealing. A friend, a teacher or a neighbor may tell parents about it. While parents should not immediately assume that person is right, they shouldn’t become defensive either. Parents are not being judged when their child is found to have stolen something. It has little to do with their parenting skills. Instead, they should use that chance to teach the child why stealing is wrong.

Talking to the Child about Property Ownership

Whatever it is the reason for stealing, the habit has to stop. However, parents shouldn’t over-react and mete out punishment without any careful thoughts, say Eleanor and Linda Siegel, authors of Keys to Disciplining your Young Child (USA: Barron’s Educational Series, 1993). “This is not the child’s entry into the criminal world. Although stealing should not be treated lightly, over-correcting by harsh punishment serves only to alienate the child,” they caution.

Instead of punishing the child straight away, the Siegels suggest using the opportunity to explain what property ownership means. Parents should tell the child how people are hurt financially and emotionally when others steal from them. By explaining that stealing deprives someone else, parents actually teach children to have a good sense of personal property rights. Parents should also teach children to ask for permission to borrow something if they really wish to have it for a while.

Getting Information from a Child Suspected of Stealing

Another thing to remember is to make sure the child is not wrongly accused of stealing. Hence the importance of getting the right information. Young children are not very good at hiding information. Often, some gentle probing is all that’s needed to get the truth out. If the child insists that she is innocent, stop pressing. Give her the benefit of the doubt. But if it happens again, parents will need to monitor her behavior more carefully.

Owning Up

If the child is caught red-handed or the parents are certain she has stolen something simply because she doesn’t have the means to buy that new toy or candy, she is likely to admit the truth.

When a child owns up, parents should praise the child for her honesty, say Dr. Brent Waters and Liz Kennedy, authors of Every Kid – Parenting your Five to Twelve Year Old (Australia: Doubleday, 2001). “Let her know that you are annoyed about her stealing but that you still love her. Praise her for owning up,” they add.

Giving Appropriate Punishment

While harsh penalty should be avoided, it is reasonable to give punishment that is fair and fits the crime. Waters and Kennedy suggest stolen items be returned or replaced if damaged. Costs can be recovered from the child’s allowance or if she does some chores to earn the money to pay for the damages. If the victim is a sibling, she can also take over the sibling’s chores for a few days as punishment. If the child admits to stealing, the punishment should be lightened.

Most parents will be aghast to learn that their children have deliberately stolen something. The first thing to do is to stay calm and not over-react. Instead, use the occasion to teach the child about property ownership and the importance of asking for permission. Praise the child if she owns up. If punishment is necessary, make sure it is appropriate. These approaches will be more effective than severe punishments.

For more child behavior management tips, read also When a Child Lies, When a Child Swears and When a Child Answers Back.

The copyright of the article When a Child Steals in Early Childhood is owned by Wei Yin Wong. Permission to republish When a Child Steals in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
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