I know you know what you said - but do you know what your children heard? Communication isn't always easy with children in the house!
Today is our baby's birthday and I can't help but revel in days past and at how everything has once again come full circle.
About nine years ago my eldest was a senior in high school, my husband was in Antarctica for a year and naturally everything was falling apart on the homefront. I spun my wheels day in and day out, trying to be the perfect mom/dad, prepare Jamie for college, keep up on the homework, bills and oil changes. My main goal was to keep everyone happy - and I was failing miserably. Nobody was talking to me!
We had always prodded ourselves on our family's communication skills and it all seemed to be falling apart before my eyes. Even Jacob, our youngest, happy-go-lucky child of sunshine and mirth had been a little more than surley towards me.What had I done in such a short time to garner this hatred?
Instead of guessing at the cause, I approached each of my children individually to try and find out why - seemingly overnight - my mother-stock had taken a nose dive.
We've always had a running joke in the family -whenever my husband held our babies, he would ask them, "Well now, what have you done today? Do you have a job yet?" and then as they got older, he would chide them by saying "Eighteen and you're out,you know - it's your turn to take care of me!" The older children always laughed - perhaps feeling a little more secure in their family ties than Jacob, but Jacob wasn't laughing.
What Jacob Saw
Jacob saw and heard his mother and father talking about sending Jamie away. He saw me working endlessly to gather information for someplace else for her to go. He saw Jamie typically happy one moment and then come out of the kitchen after a conversation with me - in tears. He saw her on the phone with dad talking about going away and once again - dissolving into tears. He didn't like what was going on and how we were treating her and he certainly wasn't going to talk to us!
What We Were Doing
I told Jamie she could send for as much college information as she wanted - I would be glad to request it - but in the final analysis, she could only apply to three due to application costs. I made a lot of phone calls, spent alot of research time on the computer and had many heart-felt conversations regarding her future - usually ending up with both of us in tears. I was losing my daughter and I was feeling terribly alone.
My husband was going through his own hell, being so far away during his daughter's senior year,hearing both of us cry on the phone and not being there to do anything for us. The phone calls almost always ended in tears.
Not being able to take the cold shoulder anymore, I sat down with Jacob one evening over a bowl of ice cream. I can always count on Jacob to slice right to the heart of things: He feared his sister's coming eighteenth birthday and the preparations we were making!
Sobbing, Jacob admitted he didn't understand why Daddy was sending Jamie away and making her cry - couldn't she stay? Was he going to have to go? He fearfully admitted he didn't know how to find a job or buy a car or find another place to live! It broke my heart!
I learned many things from Jacob on that day - the most important: if you don't understand why there is a communication problem, you should stop worrying about it and talk to the person. Food is always a good ice-breaker with 10-year-old boys!
Also, the need for reassurance knows no age boundries. My husband needed it - Jamie needed it - all of the other children needed it - and Jacob, bless his little heart, needed it too!
I've used what Jacob taught me over and over again through the years
Talking to your children can be that easy. If there is a problem, ask. If it takes two bowls of ice cream, stay until the job is finished. Don't ever stop talking, hugging, crying and loving between the ages of 1 and 101. It is that simple.
