Shopped with a daughter between the ages of 4 and 14? Hate it? Me Too! How to take the pain out of shopping with your daughter.
September and October will always be magical months. Most everyone else thinks of spring as the ultimate symbol of new beginnings. For me, it is the fall when the smell of apple cider permeates the air and the leaves drift from the trees to crispy crunch under my footsteps. Fall heralds all new beginnings for the student in us as well; a time we can start for the first time to fulfill our dreams in kindergarten or to rekindle those dreams by returning to college as adults. For me, it was always a time of dedicating myself to an unknown but exciting future.
A future learning to shop with my daughters. I’ve said precious little regarding my daughters in prior columns. I love my daughters, but the truth is you have to go beyond early childhood to get to the point where they are reasonable on a daily basis. I don’t want any men reading this column to hold this against women as a whole, but c’mon’, anyone who has raised a daughter knows that you are residing with a living, breathing mood swing.
You also no doubt know that there are several hot button issues you try to skirt to avoid the hourly mood swing… like boyfriends, zits, or clothes. I believe you have to choose your battles. Many schools take school shopping out of our hands by mandating uniforms. I’m not sure I’m pro-uniform, so to speak, but I am for learning how to dress for different occasions.
Nine-year-old girls see peers going to school in clothing cut deep on the chest, pulled high off the waist, underwear (if you can call those skimpy thongs underwear) hanging out and shorts in all kinds of weather. I would never let a daughter walk out of the door like that. Especially when worn with face paint enough they could be mistaken for much older.
Society dictates what is acceptable. A parent’s values dictate what is acceptable in their home. Peers dictate what is expected for the current generation. Your child is caught in a corner pressured by three factions that are probably not in agreement and in addition usually don’t take into consideration what the child likes or wants!
Parents have four main issues:
- WHAT the child is wearing
- HOW much the wardrobe costs
- WHEN/WHERE the child wears the outfit in question
- HOW to put an end to the debate about what to buy
How Agree on What to Buy
- A child under the age of 18, living in your home is bound to the rules of the household. Period. Essentially, they cannot wear anything that is not approved by you. By the same token, I do not believe you should be a heavy-handed dictator and pick each outfit for the child. Every child with an opinion should have a voice. A two-year-old may not have a voice. A four-year old with an emerging sense of self might have an opinion on any given day and a five-year-old girl thinks she ought to be ruling the house. Give them voice.
- Enjoy fashion magazines with your daughter of any age and make it a habit to sit down with her informally and talk about what she likes and doesn’t like. At least when you go shopping, you won’t be taken by surprise!
- If your daughter is older and likes to go to the mall, take her to the mall to window shop and take note of what she likes, take this chance to open a dialogue regarding your likes and dislikes and what you feel is proper for a girl her age to be wearing. If you are going to have a disagreement, at least it won’t be personal to her – it will be based on others and will avoid much hurt.
How To Enforce a Wardrobe Budget
- Prior to going shopping for the new school year, go through her closet (with her help) and box up things for charity or take them out to pass down to a younger sibling if they no longer fit.
- Make a list of underwear, tops, bottoms, dresses, shoes and boots etc. that are needed for the new year.
- Set a budget before going shopping – and let her know what it is. It is easier to tell her that the reason she cannot get the $50 blouse is because she still needs shoes and another skirt – rather than harping on the fact that clothing is too expensive
- Think of alternative ways to make the budget stretch. Thrift stores, sewing and swapping clothing are all ways to make your budget stretch. Are there things you could make?
- (Possibly together) that would fit that new blouse into the budget?
Respect each other. Shopping together doesn’t have to be a trial. If the footwork beforehand is completed and the communication lines are open, there should not be much of a problem at all. If you find that she insists on having a garment you feel is improper or over-priced even after all of your preparation, remember the bottom line: You are the parent and your money goes or stays with you. You are under no obligation to stretch your budget for her until you cannot pay your rent or mortgage. Children are very, very good at making you feel guilty in the store, but think of how much guiltier you would feel if you could not pay for a dentist visit if needed and stick to your guns!
Set The Tone For Appropriate Clothing
The next generation has their own views on what is appropriate.
I did not approve of everything my children wore or did to their bodies the entire way through high school. I genuinely picked my battles. When my17-year-old daughter presented me with a pierced navel before my first cup of morning coffee one day, which, by the way, she did in her room the night prior), I had to remind myself that I was not coping with anything that need be permanent. I was not dealing with green hair or pierced eyebrows – and even if I were, that would more than likely change quickly as well.
I had envisioned patent leather shoes, tights, crisp white shirts and plaid skirts for my daughters. They’ve somehow turned into hiking boots and camouflaged pants. Ah, well…at least they’re covered!
Make sure you model for your children what you expect from them. If you want tyour sons to take off their hats when they enter a building, take your hat off. If you want them to wear dresses to church, wear dresses to church. Although pants are accepted universally everywhere we go today, evening wear is still evening wear and casual wear is still different from professional dress. Make sure your children know the difference and know how to adjust wardrobe for suitability.
In the late sixties, our parents were not crazy about our ripped up jeans either, but we had our own dreams to fulfill on our own terms and the predictions of a dire end to society never came true. Perhaps fall is the time we need to practice letting go and allowing our children’s dreams to weave around them in their own vision of success.
