The death of a loved one can be most perplexing to explain to a child.
Several times while raising our children, we were faced with the prospect of explaining why a loved one would not be with us anymore in the physical sense. It was made all the more harder by the fact we were not living in close proximity to those who passed.
Very rarely were the chidlren aware of friends who lost their parents while doing their active-duty military jobs, but that too confronted us, as parents, with many decisions to make.
How young do you take a child to a funeral?
What do you tell a child when a death has occurred in your family?
What do you tell a child about a friend or relative who is terminally ill?
Do you take a child to the viewing where there will be an open casket?
How do you deal with a child who has fears associated with death?
Oddly enough, the answer to all of these questions are the same: Using your extreme powers as a parent you try and gauge how much they should be told by taking into account the child's age, previous experiences with death and what their personal tolerance is of the subject.
Have Faith!
Another important factor should be your faith: Christian children are taught at a young age about death and an afterlife. It is fairly easy to begin at the Bible and explain in those terms about our physical deaths and the afterlife.
If you are of another faith tradition, begin there and teach the child in words he can understand about what you believe about death.
Children of all faiths and ages will benefit by the solace given in their faith traditions.
A great-niece of mine said a wonderful thing to me about the prospect of death. She said: "Aunt Connie, when I die, I will be dead, but I will be mostly alive." What a wise way to look at death!
How young do you take a child to a funeral?
Many people are against taking a child to a funeral under any circumstance. Children younger than five may not understand the proceedings and it may seem like any other service to them. The service itself may not affect them at all if they are not astute enough to pick up on the ambience and over-all mood. Once children are able to understand why the service is being held, you must be in touch with how they feel about death.
Children make random comments regarding topics that they are mulling over in their minds, or frighten them in some way. It could be that if your child has not mentioned death, he simply hasn't thought about it. If that is the case, is that a topic you feel ready to address with your child?
Your readiness to discuss the topic or use it as a teaching tool, your child's sensitivity and curiosity must be your guide here. To go to a funeral, it isn't necessary your child understands everything associated with death. Approach death as you would any other topic and give the age-appropriate information required at the time. At a later date, you can add to the information as your child's age and understanding grow.
What do you tell a child when a death has occurred in your family?
I am a great fan of pictures. There aren't many family gatherings that I'm not snapping pictures. I love to look back and remember the joyous times we've all spent together. As I get older, these photos mean much,much more to me. I find I am forgetting the timber of my grandfather's voice, the exact smell of powder on my grandmother's cheek and the tilt of my mother's smile.
These pictures stimulate sensory memories of every sort - and as I've shared these photos on occassion with my children as they were growing up, the photos also stimulated stories long ago tucked away deep. Photos and stories connect us from one generation to another.
Photos can also help you tell a story to a grade-school child about happy times you spent with her grandmother or great-aunt upon their death. In this way, you will be relating happy thoughts, interjected with the realism that you will not be seeing them in this life again.
This process is actually very good for you to work through your grief and remember happier times as well.
What do you tell a child about a friend or relative who is terminally ill?
This is perhaps the most jolting bit of news of all. A relative or dear friend is ill and not likely to overcome their battle. It is absolutely essential that the child's connection to this person not be broken. If your son or daughter is extrememly close to the person who is ill, have them work on a scrapbook or some other photo album, etc. to remember the person.
People who are ill are sometimes hooked up by many frightening looking machines, surrounded by sounds vastly different from the child's natural environment, etc. and can frighten a young child. If your child is able to watch the entire disease process and is close enough to this person they will be seeing them regularly, (for example, a grandparent or friend), have them work on the book of memories with that person. It will be something they can treasure forever and the visits will be something they look forward to instead of dreading.
Most importantly, do not lie in hopes of sparing your child's feelings. If you choose to do so, you may make it hard for your child to trust you on any other issue.
Once again, guage your child's age and understanding, then tell him grandma is very ill and his visits are more important than ever. When new medical equipment will be added to the scene, let him know ahead of time so he isn't frightened. You may have to lead him closer to grandma when she first goes on oxygen, but let him know it helps her breath and it isn't anything to be frightened of. A few minutes sitting next to Grandma and he won't even know it is there.
Do you take a child to the viewing where there will be an open casket?
Many cultures do not promote an open casket at all - for anyone and is viewed as an archaic custom. For myself, it is an important part of the grieving and find, even as an adult, the reality of death is fuzzy for me until that last visit when I can say good-bye. My eldest daughter absolutely refuses to go to any funeral or viewing, stating that "If I thought enough of them in life to visit, that is sufficient. If not, a visit after they've passed wouldn't make a difference." I do not expect her at my funeral, but she is a dedicated daugter in life, so that is fine.
What are your family's death customs?
An open casket can be a terrifying experience for a child. My personal feeling is that unless the child in question is unusually precocious, middle school is soon enough for an open-casket viewing. Use your mommy-radar for participation in this event!
How do you deal with a child who has fears associated with death?
We've come full circle in this discussion, as this goes back to the faith answer. Take ques from your faith. Death, like sex, should be brought up in a natural situation when you do not have any news, good or bad, to share with your child. Death need not be something to fear - and remember, children take their ques from their parents. If you act and believe death is scarey and sex is dirty, those are the attitudes your children will have.
For the Christian traditions, both Easter and Christmas are wonderfu times to celebrate God's birth - knowing his death will come as well. Christians are taught death is not the end, but the beginning and that Christ gave a wonderful gift with his physical death. Although the details may be hard for your child to understand, if he is introduced to death in a positive manner over time, he should handle any death he experiences much better.
Many children have fears about death. They are easily overcome by talking with your child about the topic instead of avoiding it. Remember, the most important thing to remember is that you tell your child the truth!
Are you ever going to die and leave him? "Yes, death is a part of life, but I am not planning on leaving you soon and if I do, your (father, aunt, grandmother, etc.), will take care of you until we can see each other again."
Can he still talk to you if you die? Yes, you can talk to me whenever you want - and I will be able to hear you.
If a child asks you a question, answer him as fully and completely as you can - using terms and language he can understand.
Our youngest was afraid that when it came time to leave the house, he would not be prepared to do so. He asked a multitude of questions: How will I know how to find a wife? How do I buy a car? How do I find a place to live? Where do I get a job?
It is amazing the things children worry about. Just answer their questions. Truthfully.
Death is hard for everyone. As joyous as it is to know a person has been born into eternal life, it is with many tears we fill the void the person has left in our life. Before you experience a death in the family speak with your chid about his fears. Do so regularly, until you feel those fears are alieviated.
Do you have an experience you would like to share with our other readers? Please post your comments today!
