As the nation's senior population rises and the number of professional caregivers fall, the answer for many families is to return to a multi-generational home.
At the beginning of the month, my father-in-law came to live with us. My husband and I received many verbal warnings about all of the pitfalls ahead. I'm beginning to think it is my father-in-law who should have received the warnings!
In August, just as we were about to form yet another version of the American Family, I read several of Aging Granparents columnist Maryan Pellan's, articles and wondered to myself what the dish on multi-generaltional households would look like from a senior's point of view. Almost at once, Maryan agreed to tackle the issue in her article Living with Your Son or Daughter. I promise you, I read the article with hunger!
I was eager to avoid the pitfall of treating seniors as children. In misguided attempts to care for our parents, it seems that we take away the few things they can do.
Beyond this simple goal, I plunked my rose-colored glasses firmly upon my nose and proceeded with the move...and the my husband pulled me aside to put Maryan's suggestions into action.
We spoke about finances prior to approaching dad about the proposed arrangements.This turned out to be a good thing since my husband and I had different views regarding dad's share - but in the final analysis, we were able to present a plan which we both felt was fair.
Division of Labor did not offer much of a challange because since dad has limited mobility. We did agree though that one change had to be made - he was going to be expected to do everything for himself that he could. Although this may seem harsh at first pass,my husband and I both understood that everyday activities can serve as a senior's exercise. After 3 weeks with us, dad's strength has grown to the point where he no longer needs his cane around the house!
Adult Autonomy does for the mind what everyday activities do for the body - it strengthens. Dad is making all of his own decisions regarding finances, medical care and family interaction. Much to my surprise, he seems to enjoy the raucous family meals and the boys wrestling in the living room! When he has enough, he retreats to his room where he has a sitting area complete with cable t.v.
My husband and I were of like mind, thinking that merely having a walking, breathing body was not actually living. We wanted to increase dad's leisure time activities out of the house. A natural inclusion was high school football games - where he has the opportunity to see two of his grandsons play football - and critique them afterwards!
Although dad participates more outside of the home now than he did, we'd like to see him able to do a bit more. It is a delicate balance, being his cheerleaders and knowing when to push and when to drop back. Eighty-year-old bodies just are not able to keep going like someone 20 - or even 40 years of age!
Noise from the t.v. and stereo would be an issue in any other house, but we are lucky that we seem to be well insultated. I was worried about our youngest son who has the room with the adjoining room, but he assures us that the noise is not bothering him. Better yet, he said he has no problem going directly to grandpa if it does become an issue. We do know of one family who provided their senior with headphones for both stereo and television to cut down on the noise in their home.
We are early into our adventure, but so far, we are all fairing well. In my mind,it is a natural throwback to another time when living in a multi-generational home was common. For now, the children who are with us are enjoying grandpa's stories, Bob Hope comedies and nightly card games.
