Do you look forward to your student's report card, or do you live in fear of what you'll see when you open the envelope?
Raising children can mean a mixed bag of emotions as you consider opening the envelope that - for them - holds their destiny tightly. What will you find, success or failure, elation or anger?
As I've said before, if you have more than one child, you have more than one possible answer. Our eldest daughter sailed through every grade at the top of her class until middle school. We never hesitated to open her report cards. Even when she transitioned to middle school - and then high school - where she felt she was quite possible the dumbest child on the planet - (her words, not mine), we never worried. She was consistant and worked hard. She joined ROTC in high school and quite frankly, was a joy to be around; not a bad resume for a teen!
When it came to school work and other responsibilities, our second eldest was obsessive. His grades were wonderful. We never felt the dread evident in some of the voices of our friends, also raising teenagers. We felt quite smug.
Then we had a third child. We were spoiled. We'd never had any grade or behavior problem with a child, but we were about to have both. Our third came out of the womb with a "ta-da, here I am!" attitude; until this day, his personality remains the same. Whatever he does, he does full-throttle and his ego doesn't seem to suffer set-backs at roadblocks. His enthusiasm during class unfortunately, was a disruption. His sense of humor, not so welcome. I never saw a book at home. Parent - Teacher conferences were a confusing mix of stern warnings about his potential and slight smiles with antedotes regarding his moxy. Grade-school to graduation, we were always on edge at report time. As the years went on, we knew to expect him to bring home grades that would allow him to be passed into the next year in school - and no more.
Our fourth child was a bit shy and hesitant about everything: but very close to her brother, just 13 months older then she. Always under her brother's protective arm, she enjoyed school and new friends, delighting in the smallest of achievements. She always worked hard. As I look back, I sometimes wonder if she didn't intuitively do so because she saw the bucking bronco ahead of her!
Our fifth child, a girl, repeated the academic perfections of our second eldest. She was always at the top of her class, homework done on-time, or more frequently, ahead of time to give her a chance for any extra-credit work she could complete.
Another son followed our fifth child and as our third child, was about to take us on one of those wild rides of parenthood!
Our youngest is bubbly and care-free to this day. Nothing seems to bother him - which you might think is a good thing, but believe me, when it comes to grades, a little bit of stress motivates. We began to dread every report card. He was tested and tested.
He did wonderfully creative things: in math. When he wrote his problems down, he started on the right side of the paper and then swept them clock-wise around the paper until they ended up at the first problem. All of the experts were sure he had a learning disability. Which didn't explain why he almost always was above the grading curve on tests. Homework was another story.
Short of going to school with him everyday, we weren't sure how to get the homework to the teacher. We bought him folders; he didn't use them. We let him do it his way, the homework papers so carefully completed at our kitchen table the prefvious night were left in the bottom of his locker. Even up through middle school, his father and I took turns going into the school to clean out his locker to remove homework for that week and turn it in to the appropriate teacher.
We cried, cajoled, disciplined, bribed and all sorts of other things to get him to get his homework to the teacher. Why wouldn't a child turn in the homework he had worked so carefully on?
Although it took me a while, but it finally dawned on me - he was afraid of failure! He was the youngest and in his mind, always lagging behind the others. He never made any excuses for himself being the youngest- he just wanted to be the best. I have looked back and it breaks my heart to see the internal pressure he puts upon himself. In the midst of his junior year of high school, he has found his niche- and he is becoming more comfortable in his own skin. As a result, his grades are steadily rising with his confidence. Believe me, I've asked myself daily what family dynamics contributed to his reaction to school.
Beyond what we see on each child's report card, I believe it is the parent's challenge, while holding the bar high, to accept each child's differences.
What wieght than, do we place on the dreaded report card?
A report card is a tool. It measures the quality of work your child has done in a specific period of time. It does not, in any way, measure the sum total your child has learned - or give a very good clue at what he is capable.
To relieve the stress of report card time:
- Take report cards seriously - but not so seriously a student cannot show his face unless it contains all A's.
- Be cognizant of any wild swings on grades. What was going on during the grading period? Were the events affecting the (lower) grades temporary, or (higher) grades something you can repeat? Are there emotional or family issues that need to be addressed?
- Has your child made progress? We all want our children to make straight A's. This will happen very rarely. We can best track a child's progress by looking at grades the previous semester - do they seem in-line? If there is any kind of progress - such as a written notice ofrom a teacher that renewed responsibility has been noticed; or a raise in a letter grade- be sure your child knows you notice these improvements! Sometimes a child's ego is like priming a pump - praise promotes more good behavior! Beware: If you falsely praise your child, he will know it! False praise does not help a child, it makes him feel worse and unworthy.
- NEVER take the report card out, take one glance and start yelling. Shaming a child will not promote communication or scare him into making better grades. It will only make him bitter and uncommunicative. After seeing the report card, sit down at the table with your child and calmly go over the results. If there are any questions as to why he received the grades he did, contact the teacher - not to confront her - but to inquire as to why he received the grades and what he can do to improve them. If the report card shows some indicators that concern you, speak directly to your child about them and allow him to explain things to you.
Report card time doesn't have to be a frightening experience for either student or parent. Keep the lines of communciation open and be a steadfast cheerleader and advocate for your child's individualism during development; everything else will fall into place!
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