Perfect Children

Parents are so busy trying to be perfect, reading the right parenting books, being politically correct, using the right discipline methods..are the children benefiting?

I've always wanted to be the perfect parent, haven't you?My intention was to be constantly cheerful, have the fresh-baked cookies waiting after school each day, house neat as a pin, laundry washed, dried, ironed and put away before anyone got home. I was going to make eveything look effortless - something like Bree on Desperate Housewives - a virtual Martha Stewart of motherhood.

The reality of my parenting is horrifying. The children taught me more than I ever could have learned out of a book. I don't know how they turned out so well. Sometimes! I lost my temper, opened a package of Oreo's every now and then, the house was not ever photo-shoot ready and thank-goodness for permanent press! As a result, I wrestled with guilt for a greater part of my parenthood instead of enjoying blessings when they were all right in front of me.

I was under the impression that if I only had a little bit more money, the children would be happier, more fulfilled, have better grades, more friends and perhaps even love me more. I believe that extra-curricular activities can enrich a child's life. We tried to give our children as many opportunities as we could. Their experiences were patchy at best. Dance lessons, music lessons , hockey and rugby equipment cost money...lots and lots of money. Our children played sports offered through the schools because it was less expensive than instrument rental, etc. In my eyes, I felt had failed my children.

In retrospect, not having money actually saved the kids from the dizzying schedules perfect parents insist upon; activities forced upon children do nothing but overwhelm and stress them. Don't get me wrong, stress is a good thing. Stress can signal a season of learning, a time to stop and evaluate whatever it is that needs changed in your life. When stress from over-scheduling causes fatigue, a personality change, attitude problems, it is time to evaluate what can be dropped from the schedule. A wonderful thing will happen - your children will spend time at home and you can get to know them again - without the tuba to their lips and without them eating through a hockey mask for a "quick dinner" before practice. Trust me, money is not the answer to perfect parenting.

On the other hand, if you can comfortably afford tuba lessons, pilates class, swim lessons - go for it. Just beware of over scheduling a child. Free time is just as important to their social and mental growth as free-play is to physical growth. Knowing your children, your budget and your family will be the best guides to what your children should be involved in. Even though our children's extra-curricular activites were scattered and patchy, everything turned out fine. It is true that they are not masters at most anything, but they have had a wide-variety of experiences through the years which, as adults, they've been able to pick their favorites and have become very happy in their chosen sport or activities.

One child is an artist, another a football player, several of the children golf and bowl, all of them are comfortable in a mixed-bag of situations and can hold their own socially and athletically. The amazing thing is that when they walk into a room, knowing a little bit about many different things, they can talk to a wider social circle.

Yes, I'll say it...I've lost my temper. Believe me, the children are none the worse for wear! Even though I've lost my temper, I have a list of " rules" I follow. When the children were babies and crying non-stop, I found that the baby, once dry and fed was not going to stop crying until it was ready. It doesn't matter if you hold it, or if you put him in the crib, so I did what I could and layed the baby down, checking on them once in a while. It is easier on you and lets the baby work things out for themselves. Babies have to cry sometimes.

As the children got older and pushed every button possible, I walked away and locked myself in another room before responding. Being alone gives you the time to think rationally about why you are angry. Are your feelings hurt? Did you just tell them for thetenth time that there isn't eating in the living room? If your feelings are hurt, tell them that. If they are acting out of disrespect, remember one thing: You are the parent. It sounds simple, but from the time they are babies they will test your limits, push against the walls you've constructed to see how sound they are. It is your duty to make sure the walls defining their safety are sturdy so they learn to trust.

Firmly reenforce the rules. If a child is younger, you can physically move them through the motions of getting up and walking their food to the kitchen. If they've scattered toys, clothing, etc. go through the motions with them as they put things away. This does two things: 1. They will actually do as you are requesting right away. 2. If they have problems completeing the task, such as a bar too high for them to reach, it gives you a chance to see the roadblocks they are encountering so you can remove them. (Such as hanging a bar a bit lower or choosing another place for them to hang their coat). The secret is this: Being a parent sometimes means you have to get off of the couch. You have to stop what you are doing, stop yelling from the kitchen and resolve the problem in kitchen. Parenthood is no time to become a bellowing couch potato! You'll find in the years to come that you'll have to do less and less of this if you've paid attention early on. It is never too late to start to take control!

A perfect mother should have the laundry done, dinner on the table and cookies in the oven, right? Ah...I failed that test too. It is okay to have bad days. I can assure you, we only see Bree and Martha on their good days. Some days they burn things. Some days their hair is a mess. Some days they just can't work up the motivation to cook a three course meal and a fresh dessert. It really is okay. Kids don't die from a quickie meal like fish sticks and mac & cheese and green beans every once in a while! What is more important is that you create a dinner-time experience where they are expected to sit at the table and share their day with each other.

How does your house look? Yep, I thought so, mine too! It is hard to have a spotless house. No - it is impossible to have a spotless house. You can have it picked up - you may even have clean bathrooms, but it isn't going to be spotless when you have children and you are doing what is important...spending time with the kids. If you are working, it only compounds the problem. Here is the thing to remember though: You aren't the ony person living in the house. Being part of a family means responsibility to that family. I'm not talking mob family here, but your family and mine! Your husband (gasp!), and children should have routine responsibilities around the house. (Are you still breathing?) Yes, I said it. Your children and husband should help. You'd be surprised at what a little help will do for you!

Even if you have young children, teach them to pick up their toys by helping them pick up at first. Make a game out of it. Make sure it happens right after playtime so they know that using something means putting it back when you are finished. As they get older, their responsibilities can grow. When asking a child to do a new chore, make sure they know how to do it - or more importantly how you want it done. My youngest still has trouble with the concept that "Please do the dishes tonight" means the pans on the stove and wiping the counters as wel! It isn't fair to ask someone to do something and not explain your expectations - and then to get angry at them because they don't do the job correctly!

Raising children does not require you to be perfect. It requires that you love. Use what you know about your children and do what is right for all of you, then relax. In a few years, you'll be able to marvel at the wonderful contribution you made to society through your children. I do...and I'm looking forward to putting all of the things my children taught me into use...on my grandchildren!